Fearfully and Wonderfully...a Mom

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful; I know that full well."

Psalm 139:14

Being a mom is one of the trickiest parts of my identity to embrace.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my kids as much as any mom.  I love being a mom, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  So stick with me here...this is not in any way intended to be a kid-bashing session.

Anticipation

There was such a longing and a waiting before I became a mom.  I knew that is what I wanted to be for years before I felt "ready" to take on that role.  Go ahead and laugh now...No matter how ready you think you are, you are never really ready when you have children.  No matter how many child development classes you may have had, that precious little baby in your arms will still throw you for a loop!

Creation

God created each one of my children with such care and detail.  I love how He took parts from my husband and from me and made them brand new creations.  I know my children and all their intricacies and quirks.  I know who likes what food.  I know who jumps into new things and who soaks in everything like a sponge.  I know who is most likely to get chores and homework done first.  I know who is more likely to be in tune with someone else's emotions and give a spontaneous hug or back rub.  I know their strengths, their weaknesses, and their passions.

Not Robots

But even knowing all of that, they are not robots.  They surprise me (for good or bad) on a daily basis.  I cannot predict their every move.  That unpredictability makes life challenging at times.  It also makes it  incredibly beautiful.  (You can read more about Not Raising Robots here.)

Time Management

A part of motherhood that has been challenging for me is the sheer time management of it all.  The daily balancing act of laundry, errands, quality time, homework, activities, trimming fingernails, cleaning ears, cooking and cleaning up can be exhausting.  This is still a growing process for me.  Some days are better than others.

Dying to Self

I never knew how selfish I was before I had children.  I pretty much did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  Even getting married didn't change that much: we both pretty well did what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it.  Some of that was together, and some of it was independent.  We were both cool with that.

But parenting... Whoa!  That is a game changer.  Want to take a nap in the middle of the day?  Only if the baby is napping too.  Have more than one child?  The likelihood that simultaneous sleeping in the middle of the day is very, very slim.  Even if you haven't had more than ten minutes of sleep in the last three days, you have to die to yourself a bit and take care of that baby's needs first.  OR, you have to have some sort of communication with your spouse, neighbor, grandma, or friend to take care of that baby so you can get the much-deserved rest that you require.

I used to have a habit of treating myself to a Blizzard from DQ on a somewhat frequent basis.  I would drive through on my way to somewhere and eat it on the road.  A special treat for being stressed or a mini-celebration or whatever.  I will never forget a day shortly after my son was old enough to have a forward-facing car seat.  I went through DQ as per my habit.  I didn't time it, but I believe it took my son 17 seconds or less to recognize and make known that Mama had something he didn't have.  There I was, spoon in hand, turned half around looking at my son, as he verbalized the unfairness of what was happening.  I was frozen as the recognition of my deep selfishness washed over me.

Moments like these-and they are many-have made me refine my motives.  Why am I doing this?  Is it good for my children?  If it's not good for my children, is it really good for me?  I have laid down some things like frequent Blizzards from DQ that were not great for me because I couldn't justify it to myself or anyone else.

Along those same lines, I think being a mother makes me a better Christian.  I do have to lay down my selfish desires on a daily basis.  That may be sharing my Diet Coke (No!  It's mine!) or stopping what I'm currently doing to get a ponytail out of Barbie's hair, or really intently listening to the details of the latest and most improved Lego creation.  But also, I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating the example I am setting.  If I do this now, is it something I want my children to do now or in the future?  We have conversations regularly about why we do or don't do something.  Most often my answer is "Because Jesus said..."    If I am going to "talk the talk" of bringing Jesus into the conversation, I have to be doing it too.  My kids will call me out when my words and actions don't match.

Does this mean I'm perfect?  Of course not.  Does this mean every day is a great day?  Definitely not.  I get stressed.  I yell.  I make mistakes.  Things don't go as planned.  This is life.  

But here is the identity piece for me.  God made me to be a mother.  It's part of His perfect plan.  But He didn't just make me any mother.  He made me specifically to be Seth's mom and Hannah's mom.  He created each and every single stitch of them with the same care and love He created me.  He placed these precious gifts called children in my care.  Whether I mess up or get it right, I find my identity in being the mother He created me to be.

Who am I?  I am fearfully and wonderfully a mother. 

Fearfully and Wonderfully...a Twitchel-Taylor-Tellman

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful; I know that full well."

Psalm 139:14

Over the next few days, I will be examining some different parts of my life that are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  Today is all about family.


What exactly is a Twitchel-Taylor-Tellman?  It's me.  It's family.  These are my people, and I love them.  They get me in a way that only family can.

Let's start with these people...

1977

1986

I was very blessed to grow up in a house where my parents are still married (to each other!).  It was evident from day to day how much they loved, cared, and respected each other.  They are both so generous and laid-back that it was a peaceful place to be.  I don't remember a single time EVER that they argued in front of me.  Now my brother and I...that's a whole different story.  We used to argue all the time.  But good times and bad, I would do anything for these people, and they would for me too.

From 4 to 9...it hasn't been just the four of us for a while now.

Taylor Family Pictures 2012

And then there's these people... 

Twitchel Reunion 2014

Twitchel Reunion 2015

 There aren't as many of us as there used to be, but each and everyone means the world to me.  So many good memories:  fishing with Grandpa, all piled up in the back of his old green Ford truck.  Thanksgiving dinners--house bursting at the seams and everything hand-made by my grandma.  Day after Thanksgiving fish fry, up in the attic watching thunderstorms, marathon Monopoly games, teasing from my uncles and cousins, getting stuck up in a tree and needing to be rescued, hide and seek in the laundry chute, my identical cousin...
 LOVE!

 For the last twelve years, I have been privileged to be a Tellman.  These aren't just my in-laws.  These aren't just Todd's family.  They have accepted me as one of their own.  They are my family too.  I feel this way about all the aunts, uncles, and cousins too.  There are way too many Tellmans to get all in one picture, but I have never felt like an outsider with them.  

I am so blessed to have all these Twitchels, Taylors, and Tellmans to love and who love me!

 Who am I?  I am fearfully and wonderfully a Twitchel-Taylor-Tellman.

2015

Easter 2015

Psalm 139:13 - The 31 Day Challenge

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

                 Psalm 139:13

Oh,  I love this verse.  I have loved this one for along time, long before God started speaking the whole Psalm to me.  God created me, every single little part of me.  He put it there by design on purpose for a purpose.  He has given me all the pieces of the puzzle.  All I have to do is put it together in ways that glorify Him.

He knit me together in my mother's womb.  Even before my mother knew about me, God knew me.  He was creating me with loving care.  I love the imagery of knitting me together.  I can just picture the Almighty God on his throne with some knitting needles and a ball of sinew fashioning out unique, perfect babies.  All right, I know.  He doesn't actually need knitting needles or sinew or anything else; He can just speak and they are formed.  But the particular image of knitting resonates with me.  

As someone who spends a lot of time working with yarn, I know that projects take planning, attention to detail, and time.  God did not just pick me off a stock shelf where everything looks just like the next one.  No, he created me with a plan and a purpose, down to the most minute, intimate, even secret detail.  Nothing about the way I am is an accident.

Would you permit me some liberty with this verse?  Sometimes I like to imagine that maybe-- just maybe-- God did not knit me together.  Perhaps he crocheted me together in my mother's womb.  For those of you who are are not "yarnies," (Yes, I think I just made that word up) there are differences between knitting and crocheting.  Primarily, it comes down to the tools.  Knitting uses two needles or hooks, and crochet uses only one.  This allows for the yarn to come together in different ways for distinct stitches and therefore patterns.  Experienced "yarnies" like myself can look at a piece and discern whether it was knit or crocheted.  Whether or not you personally can tell the difference does not matter, but it matters to the crafter.  The one who created the piece.

Something from Nothing

I love looking at at pattern and visualizing what colors I would use for that.  I love seeing a pattern and immediately knowing who might enjoy something like that.  I have a list of projects that I want to complete that is longer than a New York marathon.  I have books, magazines, computer print offs, websites, and downloads for futuristic projects--all for things that I want to do.

Over the summer, I tackled my yarn closet and reorganized it all into neat, color-categorized spaces.  So much yarn.  Sometimes, I am walking through a store, and. I see something that would be perfect for someone I know.  Something about those particular colors reminds me of that person, and I want to do something with it.

My favorite part is taking a skein of yarn and my hook and getting started.  It brings me great joy when I start on a new project.  The foundation row is the most important.  That has to be without mistake, or the rest of the project will be flawed.  Nothing about it will look right if that foundation row is off.  Just like when you build a house, the foundation needs to be right.

The more I work, the more the project takes shape.  Sometimes I can visualize the finished project from the beginning.  I have made enough hoodies that I know exactly how it turns out.  Sometimes I cannot see how the steps I am doing right now are going to look like the picture when I am finished.  

The moment of completion.  Yes!  It looks like it is supposed to.  I love the colors and feel of the fabric I have crocheted.  I am proud of my work.  Another finished project.

I have made something out of nothing.  It was just a ball of yarn, and now it is a baby hat or a mermaid afghan or shark socks.  That is a cool feeling.  But how much more would God the Creator feel this?  First of all, I start with a pattern and yarn and a crochet hook.  But He started with nothing.  No one gave Him a pattern for the world or the people in it.  He didn't look on Pinterest or etsy or YouTube or Ravelry to see what was popular right now.  He had a very specific purpose and vision for me, and He did it.  He has made me into something when I used to be nothing.

Make it Count

I have some self-diagnosed O.C.D. Tendencies.  (Not the cleaning part of that--no way is that me!  I will own up to that now before my husband has a chance to make a comment!). But I like things to be structured and patterned and repetitious.  I find comfort in routine and stability.  

Life does not always provide those things.  In fact, life frequently does not provide me with routine, stability, or structure.  For me, crocheting is a way to create those spaces in my life where they may not exist otherwise.  I find beauty in going through the same type of motions over and over in a repetitive way as the yarn flies through my fingers.  And I like to count things.  In this case, I count stitches and rows to make sure. I am on the right track.  It has a calming effect for me to count.   Even if I am in the middle of a conversation as I crochet, there is a section of my brain that is still going "One, two, three, four, five, six...twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine..."

When I have not had time to crochet or not taken the time to crochet for a few days, I will begin to notice my levels of anxiety creeping up.  I find myself counting things that don't need to be counted or rehearsing things that don't need to be rehearsed.  I may time myself how long it takes to fold a basket of clothes or notice the number of red cars I have passed that day.  When I feel particularly fretful, my mind may suddenly jump to mentally rehearsing an old dance routine or my flute solo from my senior year of high school.

I have no idea why I do that; I just know that I do.

The Work of My Hands

But God has given me a way to keep most of that anxiety at bay.  Not only does the repetitive nature and the need to count things get fulfilled through crocheting, but He has given me a way to bless others.

I very rarely keep anything that I have made.  I give most everything away as wedding shower gifts or presents for new babies.  Sometimes I make something for someone just because I felt led to.  Last year I saw some orange and white yarn that reminded me of my dear friend Cherri and her passion for the Tennessee Volunteers.  I bought the yarn and made her a scarf.  Just because.  Seeing someone open something that I made brings me great joy.  Greater still when I see my handiwork being worn in public.  That tells me that you actually liked it enough to wear it.

If you receive a gift from me, please know that means there is something about you that I love and am drawn to.  I have wandered through Hobby Lobby and looked at two or more yarn catalogs to choose the one that "speaks" to me about you.  I have thoughtfully chosen what to make.  I have prayed over you, your family, and your circumstances asking for God to bless you as I work on your gift.  I have lovingly spent hours working on something that I hope brings a smile to your face.  

The Fruit of My Labor

I have reached a point where I have a small hobby business with crocheting.  I feel blessed that people like things I have done enough to want to pay me for my talents now.  I love it when someone sends me a picture and wants to know if I will make that item for them.  Most often, these projects are something that I have never done before and are often complex and challenging.  They stretch my expertise, and I learn new skills.

Although I receive compensation, I still use this as a way to bless others.  Last year, God laid it on my heart to use the talents He has given me to make a commitment to our church's building fund campaign.  This commitment is above and beyond what my husband and I made together.  He pushed me to go further.  I have committed to giving the income from my crochet skills back to my church.  God has blessed this endeavor.  He brings me the people and the projects; I couldn't ask for a better Marketing Director than I have.  

Deuteronomy 2:7 says, "The LORD has blessed the work of my hands."  I know this is true.  I see it every day.  He gave me a talent, a gift with my hands, and He has called me to use it for others.  God made me this way; he crafted me together down to the tiniest little detail.

Who I Am - The 31 Day Challenge

When I read Psalm 139, it is all about identity, about becoming comfortable in your own skin.  It is about recognizing who God made you to be, how He made you, and His purpose for you.

So today--of all days--seems especially fitting for me to pay tribute to all the different areas that I claim as part of my identity.

Who am I?

• I am a follower of my LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ.
• I am a wife.
• I am a mother.
• I am a daughter.
• I am a sister, aunt, and niece.
• I am a godmother.
• I am a friend.
• I am a teacher.    There were some seasons in my life where I tried to follow a different path, and it just wasn't a good fit for me.  Teaching is where my heart is.
• I am left-handed.  That makes me part of an elite group in my mind!
• I am five-foot-two, eyes of blue, koochie-koochie-koochie-koo.  My grandpa used to sing that song to me all the time.  I don't mind being short because I'm exactly the height he always sang about.
• I am a Tiger.  I bleed black and gold.  Not only did I graduate from the University of Missouri (M-I-Z!  Z-O-U!), but I also was a black-and-gold tiger through elementary school, junior high, and high school.
• I am an alumni of the Lee's Summit Golden Tiger Marching Band.  Best in the state.  So many fond memories of the time and the people there! 
• I am an Indian.  Blue and white are my colors now.  Such a great and caring community that I get to be part of.  It is a huge blessing to be an Indian!
• I am a dancer at heart.  My schedule (and body) don't allow me to do all the dancing I once did, but it is very much still part of my being.
• I am a crocheter.  (More on that in a few days...)
• I am a church member.  My home away from home.  I worship there.  I volunteer there.  I pray there.  I laugh and cry there.  I do life there.  
• I am West.  I am Gold.  I am a Golden Retriever. (That one is just for my colleagues--they will get it)
• I am a blogger.  (A fairly new part of my identity)
• I am an introvert.  I have to have some "alone" time periodically.
• I am from the Show-Me state.
• I am still a Kansas City girl on the inside.  I will always root for my hometown teams of the Chiefs and the Royals, winning season or not.  
• I am a lover of chocolate, coffee, and scrapbooking.  Those things bring me joy, especially when they come all together.

This has been one of the easiest and most fun posts I have ever written.  I challenge you to take some time today to think about the parts of your identity that you love and embrace.  God put those there by His design for His purpose.  He made you that way.  Enjoy it!

So who are you?

Psalm 139:11-12 - The 31 Day Challenge

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you."

These two verses have been the hardest for me to memorize.  It is a bit like a riddle that needs untangling or a puzzle to be solved.  My brain just cannot quite get the words in the right spot.

I recently realized that I had become so focused on trying to get the words straight in my head that I was missing the message.  Trying again to commit it to my memory, I said just those two verses over and over.  The light began to dawn in my head.  (Pun totally intended here!)  

Where can I go to hide from the light?  Logically, we might think we could hide in the dark, but spiritually that is never going to work.  We cannot hide from God.  Even when we are cloaked in the darkness of this world, we still cannot hide from Him.

There are so many verses that talk about light in the Bible from the beginning to the end.  Light is part of the Creation story:  God said, "Let there be light," and there was.  God is the Creator of the physical concept of light.  But it is so much more than that.  Isaiah prophesies that a great light will shine in the darkness.  John the Baptist declares that he prepares a path for the light of the one who is to come.  And then, of course, Jesus himself, "I am the light of the world."  Revelation 21 reveals that when Jesus returns, He will shine so brightly that we won't even need the sun or moon.

So when I think of Jesus being the Light in Psalm 139, it makes more sense to me.  The darkness and night in these verses are talking more about spiritual darkness than anything else.  Jesus is the Light of the World. There is no corner too hidden, no crevice too deep, no far-off space that He cannot-and will not-go.  Nothing is too dark for Him.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives the familiar words about being a light to others.  Don't light a lamp, and put it under a bushel basket.  Light that lamp and set it on top of a hillside where others will be drawn to it.  Reflect His glory through your words and actions.

Not sure where to go?  Jesus will direct your paths.  "Your word is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my feet." (Psalm 119). He will give you enough light for you to keep putting one foot in front of the other; just trust in Him and He will show you the way, one step at a time.

Open up your heart, and let Jesus the Light of the World shine in it and through it!

(Anybody else suddenly feel like singing "This Little Light of Mine"?)

Psalm 139:7-10 -The 31 Day Challenge

"Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;  if I made my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139:7-10

I love this passage because it shows how God is everywhere.  How high can you go?  All the way to the Heavens?  God is there.  If you get up early on the wings of the dawn, God is already there before you.  If you travel way across the sea to the other side of the world, guess what?  He was there before you ever left.

I most love the phrase " If I make my bed in the depths, you are there."  Even at my lowest moments, God is still right there holding me fast.

Ever lost a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly?  I have.  The first time I remember ever having to deal with death is when a favorite cousin committed suicide.  He was 17; I was 14.  I remember that phone call like it was yesterday.

Ever lost a bunch of loved ones in a short space of time?  I have.  Following my cousin's unexplainable, unfathomable death, I lost three grandparents and a great-grandparent in less than two years.  Not only was there so much to grieve,  I didn't even know how to grieve.  There would have been plenty of people to help me if I had just asked.  But I was so unfamiliar with the whole process of death that I didn't even know it was still okay to be sad after the funeral was over.  So I hid it way down in the depths of my being.

Ever been divorced?  I have.  Multiply grieving the loss of a loved one times the pain of feeling like an ultimate failure, of letting people down, of disappointing yourself, of disappointing God...that is about where I was at that time in my life.  

Ever been betrayed by someone you thought was a friend?  Too many times.  I haven't always been good at choosing my friends.  The people I have been drawn to throughout my life have not always been people that were good for me.

Ever been fired?  Me too.  I know I am not perfect, but I still don't think they had a reason to fire me.  That one is still hard for me to swallow sometimes.

There are some pretty dark times in my life.  Times of loss, personal upheaval, confusion, bewilderment, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and loneliness.  Not only was I sad, depressed, or whatever, but I camped out there.  I made my bed in the depths.  Even though I was miserable, I got kind-of comfortable there.  It was hard to leave.

I may have been lonely, but I was never alone.  I may have been sad, but God's hand held me fast.  He never let go of me.  He held me tight.  He was always there.  He is always there.  He will always be there.  He carried me through those valleys, those deserts, those shadows.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.  Eventually I found my way out and was stronger for it.

King David asked, "Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can. I flee from your presence?"  The question I ask now is "Why would I want to?"

Psalm 139:6--The 31 Day Challenge

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."

                                  Psalm 139:6

I do not know everything.  My children ask me questions all the time that I cannot answer.  Questions like:

 "Why do cicadas sleep for seventeen years?

"What if there was a hurricane so big that it knocked our house down?  
(Hurricanes are not that much of a worry in the middle of the Midwest, but they asked me anyway.)

"Would it be weird if there was a tornado inside a tornado inside another tornado?"

"Why do some daddies not have any hair and some daddies have lots of hair?"

What are power lines for and how do they work?"

"Why does she get invited to so many birthday parties and I don't get invited to any?"

"Why does it have to rain today?"

"Why does 8 come after 7?"

Some of those I have a rudimentary knowledge, but not enough to be able to explain it in kid terms to my children.  If I know the answer, I try to explain it.  (Ever tried to explain male-pattern baldness to a six-year-old...while driving?)  If I don't know the answer, I will probably say, "I don't know, but we can Google it later."  

A lot of times my answer is "Because God made it that way."  Sometimes that feels like an easy way out, but it's true.  I do not have any idea why cicadas sleep for that long, but I know the One who knows the answer. I use that time to keep pointing my children back to God.  He is the Creator.  He has a divine purpose in everything He makes.  Even though we do not always understand or be able to explain, God has a plan and a purpose.

Picture from cdn.morguefile.com

I have always heard that a bumblebee should not be able to fly.  According to the laws of motion, aerodynamics, gravity or whatever, a bumblebee's body is out of proportion to its wingspan.  Logically speaking, its body is too heavy to be carried by the short wings.  But it flies anyway...  A testimony to God's design and beauty.

I actually love that I do not know all the answers.  Our God is so powerful, so creative, so full of wisdom, that I can rest on faith that He knows the answers that I do not.  He created everything, and He knows why certain things are the way they are.  I do not have to know all the answers or try to control everything.  "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."