Sunday, October 4, 2015

Psalm 139:1 - The 31 Day Challenge

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me."  

 Psalm 139:1


      The Lord has searched me, and He knows me.  Does that scare you?  Does it make you uncomfortable to think that the LORD knows you?  Are you afraid of what He will find there?

     There was a time when I would have identified with those thoughts.  A time in my life when I carried guilt and shame around with me everywhere I went.  I did not want God to search me for fear of what He might find.  Even I didn't want to search my inner thoughts and feelings because I did not like what was there.
     As I have grown in my faith and in my walk with God, I can embrace this verse.  I am not uneasy when I think about God searching me because He made me.  He knows how I work, how I fit all together, how I think and feel.  I have always struggled with insecurity.  From feeling like I didn't fit in to feeling like I might mess up or feeling like everyone around me is performing better than I am, it has been like a broken record playing in my head.  At times, this has driven me to be better, and at times, it has crippled me. 

     This last summer I found myself struggling even more:  Am I being a good mother?  Why can't I get (and keep) the house clean?  Why does every day seem so hard?  Why are my kids arguing and backtalking so much?  I must be doing something wrong.  Why am I so overwhelmed?  Why can't I just get it together?

     As I sat through different speakers at Declare Conference and through personal meditation, God began to show me something new.  God made me.  Fearfully.  Wonderfully.  Perfectly.

     Please don't misunderstand.  I am not saying He made me perfect.  There is only One who is perfect.   But He made made me perfectly.  Without mistakes.  By design.

     The areas within myself that I see as weaknesses were put there on purpose.  The places that I see as flaws are not flaws in God's eyes.  Second Corinthians 12:9 says that His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.  So those spots where I feel inadequate are actually spots where I can lean in to God and let His power and glory shine through me.

     I love how this verse is written.  "O LORD, you have searched me."    Notice the past tense.  It is completed--He has already searched me.  He has seen all the places deep and dark and murky within.  "...and you know me."  Present tense.  I absolutely love that.  He knows me.  Presently.  Currently.  Even after searching me.

     He didn't search me and then decide to quit associating with me.  He didn't search me and say, "Whoa.  You are too messed up for me."  No, He searched me, and He knows me still.  Recognizing that everything within me was put there by the Master and Creator on purpose - for His purpose - has allowed me to examine some of those lies I have told myself for so long, and to begin to let them go.

     Those insecurities have run deep for a long time, and I'm sure I will still struggle with this again in the future, but I have felt more at peace with who I am in the last two months.  I feel more "me" than I ever have.

     When those thoughts begin to surface, I have a new mantra I tell myself.  I take a deep breath and say:

     I am enough.  He is more than enough.  I am enough.  He is more than enough.  I am enough.

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